DON'T TALK TO ME...I'M NAKED!!!

So do you look? Do you Chat? Do women look? Do men look? Where do you look?

I had the misfortune to be in a change room with a group of naked women last week. The reason I say misfortune is not because of the company, all these women are Fabulous women. The misfortune is that I HATE have conversations with naked women.

When I am changing I am in stealth mode. I remove and reapply clothing as fast as humanly possible, I keep my head down, stay low and don't make any sudden moves. I am in and out faster than my ex-husband...

So why is it that I always get caught up in a convo with "Naked Chatty Woman" ??? You know who she is...And if you are one, Shame on You...I don't know where to look...!

So I stare you dead in the eye with a serial killer glare and you still insist on making small talk.

The sillies are swinging, the muffin man is RIGHT THERE...I swear to god if you put your leg on that bench to apply moisturizer I am going to EYE PUNCH you...

I am a very social person when I am clothed and not being bumped by boobs and beavers...

So let's take it outside shall we...

Do men do this? Do they talk sports and babes with their "business" on parade?

Cheers

Mr Penis Reporting for Duty!

Well it has not been on purpose that I have yet to reply to the blog....but more that I got hit with a nasty cold/flu like thing that had me laid out and almost unable to even think......but I'm sure in my lounged out state there was a little penis adjusting that would have taken place.....or well...did!

So why....why do we constantly move the wiener, adjust the sausage or well just grab at the family jewels you ask......well...its simple...it feels...NICE! Thank you for reading the blog see you next week.

He Said

All kidding aside....well it does feel nice....but moving forward in the case of small boys....I think its their way of being connected to themselves and in some cases their growing sexuality. In some cases I think it very much is the whole...hey this feels good and in others it is merely a nervous habit.

My son is a professional dink grabber... apple doesn't fall far from the tree I guess cuz I'm like a NFL Pro bowler :P. No he isn't a chronic masturbater but he enjoys some alone time...but his grabbing of the main vein is more a nervous thing, when he is in a setting he is not used to... the hand seems to gravitate towards squeezing the purple headed wizard...he at 6 doesn't understand that people when nervous don't grab at themselves...so you look the other way. We don't want him to think its wrong to be touching ourselves but rather in our own privacy....we don't want to tell him don't do that making him feel like like he is doing something wrong which doesn't help with self body image. So we just go with the flow.

So when does all this change? Well....never...you just become better at hiding it or making it a more dramatic display of man ism.

Oh and well there is nothing worse than your sweaty nut sac stuck to your leg....or ...well you get the point. Plus when something is large it has to be kept comfortable...atleast thats what they tell me...lol :P

When I was a kid my brother used to say don't worry ...one day your penis might even touch your underwear...keep touchin it under the covers and it will grow. :P I still continue to explore this dream! One day I tell myself...one day!

He Said

I knew All The Rules But The Rules Did Not Know Me!

"Leave it Alone !!! It'l Grow!"

So I spent last weekend at a trailer park...there I said it..Out Loud even...

To just get it all off my chest...I met my husband at the same trailer park...No makeup on, hair was a nest, smelt of a Bug Spray/Budweiser combo ...how could he resist?

Well enough about my Cinderella romance... My Daddy Draws will find it refreshing that I am not ranting in this post...I merely have a question...and here it is...

Why do you touch it so much?

I spent an afternoon by the beach watching the kids build sand castles, but what I could not help noticing is that YOU ALL do it...A LOT! Poking, scratching, squeezing, shifting. Some trying to hide it, others announcing it...I just don't get it.

If women walked around touching it half as much as men do there would be a law by now...A "NO TOUCHING IT IN PUBLIC" Ban.

What's wrong with it? Is it too big? too small? ill ? Can you restrain it somehow? Why do you feel it's "OK" to do it in public? After all, George Michaels did and he got arrested.

Techno Geeks and Ram Lovers

Nerds geeks and losers come in many forms....but not all are created equal. Like most things humans enjoy...you get different strokes for different folks.

So yes we have all encountered these super geek fathers or guys who wish they could find a piece of ass ... geeking out at the video game section or game demo booth hootin and hollering about the next developments in geekdar gamer land. That scene isnt going away at anytime. These dudes BO will only get stronger and there socks will only continue to get pulled up to epic levels. And why wont it go away?

Well because video gaming is one of the largest and strongest industries in the world that "wasn't" effected by the economic change felt by most North American businesses. The fact that this industry saw increases in the economic fallout is a clear indicator of the strength of Geekdar Pleasantville. These guys support there addictions and hobbies like no other. That is good for the gaming companies....bad for the rest of us ...but only to a small degree.

Not all gamers are created equal either. The fact is in this modern generation, video gaming is a part of our landscape... we see it everywhere...TV ads, billboards and every kid talking about the new COD title sweeping up the nation. You have the occasional players who rarely game....you have the sports and gathering type players who play Madden Football or FIFA Soccer/ NHL etc... and enjoy a few drinks and games with friends.....and then you have the very popular Wii players which rangers across the age gap from young to seniors in nursing homes...literally.

Gaming is part of our culture and will continue to be so.

But you also have the super geek.....the dudes who's whole quest in life is to be the best online shootem up role playing dork you can find lurking online to show every 12 year old that he is the supreme gamer and 35 year old dweeb....this list is deep and growing.....but as long as they are not hurting anyone and don't stand too close to me...its a-okay in my book. You always have exceptions to every rule right...here too.

To lump gamers into the same pile is simply not fair and ladies if these are deal breakers for you....you need to self reflect...I'm sure there are people in your life can peg you on things you enjoy very close to the comments on these gamers....Or maybe...just maybe these complaints are signs people are just getting.....OLD :P

But getting up in the middle of the night to game is total geekdar loserville in my book!

I knew all the rules but the rules did not know me

He Said

Dave

Man Boy...with a side of Douche...

So the other day I was in Toys R Us with my son, shopping for a birthday gift. So immediately he makes a b line for the video games...Expected, he's 12 after all.

So as we are in there and I am telling him "NO" to his first 8 choices, I notice that it is quite loud an animated in our little corner of the store. Low and behold on the stand up gaming pod or what ever the hell it is. Where you can try out the new games...Are 2 grown men having some sort of spastic fits playing a game.

Now when I say grown men I don't mean 21 year olds, you need a little back and knuckle hair to be considered grown. I'm talking early to mid 40's adult males. They were hooting and hollering about how "Awesome the graphics" were and how "realistic the kill shot is". WTF?

So I thought maybe it was their first time playing a video game since Frogger and they were amazed at how far they come. So ...me being me...Nosey Nellie...I listened a little more and a little closer. Turns out...these guys were Pros...gamers...video junkies...or in short..LOSERS!

They were there sans kids to buy the new "Code of Douche Bag 7" and were ranting back and forth on how much "Like way better" it is than Code of Douche bag 6. They went on and on about sight lines, scopes, targets and graphics. If I did not leave soon I am sure I would of impaled them with a Wii. I was this close to screaming.."GROW THE HELL UP! DORKS"...

What made it worse was that they were playing the game my 12 year old...respectable video game age...wanted, and that I "Big Bad Mom" told him no...We don't do war or gun games in my house. To me these things should not be perceived as fun.

So here's the deal...or deal breaker shall we say. My husband and I met later in life, we were both in our mid 30's. If at any point in our dating time I had found out my husband was a "gamer", this would of been a deal breaker for me. No matter how FABULOUS he was. To me this is a huge red flag of many deeper underlying issues...and it's DOUCHY...total turn off...Just slap a "Never Getting Laid" sign on their forehead now.

My dear friend bitches about this very issue on a constant basis. Her husband just spent an extra $1200 to get a laptop with a certain type of video card in it for his gaming. He wakes up in the middle of the night to play with some dude in Australia...NUTS...GET A LIFE..a REAL ONE!

Dear men who "Game"..you have no game...you have issues.

Cheers

She Said!

Gob Stoppers

So the topic of hawkin loogies is where were at this week huh....well where shall I start?

I think for a lot of men it all starts out as being a boy and watching our favorite sports players carry out their in game routines and such. Every pitcher in Major League Baseball and quarterback in NFL Football seems to have an endless amount of saliva just waiting to horked out in front of 50,000 paying fans and another million sitting watching at home. So why do they spit constantly....I dunno but they do.

They scowl at the opponent's and hawk a loogie almost as a sign of intimidation to the other team....okay fine they are very focused and these are in game rituals by pros. I guess sports guys think there is an air of cool in spitting constantly.

Well take your impressionable male youth that's watching these sporting events taking cues from their hero's.....maybe those sports stars should take note to the layers of gob they influence on to our local sidewalks etc...but I hardly see change in this area at anytime soon.

So now that wide eyed little kid is a teenager now....zit faced, bad attitude and full of testosterone looking for an outlet around every corner to unleash rebellion. Surely the teen feels an incessant need for coolness and attitude....so hey remember those sports stars...hey this must be what you do! Now this isn't just gender specific on this topic either. I have seen plenty of girls/ladies throw down some spit although it is a more rare occurrence....kinda like farting...right girls ....cuz well girls dont fart!

Sometimes ....well you just gotta spit...were human with a mouthful of saliva that never stops...well almost never stops. Us as parents need to tell our kids this isn't good social behaviour....sorry tell the"boys" this isn't proper behaviour in public.....but I'm not too sure how well that message will get received or will just fly in one and out the other ear...I'm going with the fly aspect. But its worth a try.

Its kinda that age old debate isn't it...Spit or Swallow? I THINK I WILL STOP RIGHT THERE.

He Said

I knew all the rules but the rules did not know me.

SPITTY SPITTER FACE!

I have a lot of pet peeves, little things that annoy the crap out of me. Bad manners, poor customer services, mimes and general stupidity just to name a few. However the one that tops the list is SPITTING IN PUBLIC! I just don't understand how people (mostly knuckle dragging men) think it's perfectly fine to just hock a loogie in the street or sidewalk... HEY DOUCHE BAG I'M WALKIN HERE!!! And quite frankly as FABULOUS as you think you are...I don't relish the idea of walking over your gob of said FABULOUSNESS...

It's socially unacceptable to litter on our Dear Mother Earth, why is it ok to spit all over her? And why do you have to do it at all? Maybe because...

A) You have a rare genetic over active saliva condition?
B) When your saliva reaches a certain capacity in your mouth does it start to burn?
C) You just an ignorant Son of a Bitch?...

When in doubt, always chose C...

So to all the Spitty Spitter faces out there...STOP THAT SHIT...Your vile and disgusting and your littering your neanderthal DNA all over MY planet. It's actually against the law in most places so don't make me pull out a citizens arrest on your ass. Cus I will! Dog the Mullet Man Bounty Hunters got nothin on the Deeva....I will CALL YOU OUT!

Dear parents of young boys, please teach them that spitting, just like littering is rude and not acceptable... and a major turn off to the ladies I might add.

And yes I am sure there are women (using term as lose as Pam Anderson) who spit... save your speech...

Cheers

SHE said